My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
