I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize
