Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
