My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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