My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
