he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
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My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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