how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
