the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
