There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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