shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize