Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
