Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
