I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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