1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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