I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
