her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
