She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
