I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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