she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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