She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
