drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
