There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
