Ambien. No doubt about it.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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