You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
