I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
