I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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