The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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