It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
