I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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