You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
