She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
