chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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