yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
