I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
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coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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