I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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