i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Of course I have a pirate flag
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
