something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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