Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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