i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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