Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
