did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
