Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
