I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
