my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
