you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
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You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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