I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
