My underwear smells like fireworks.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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