life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
