I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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