John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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