I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize