he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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