You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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