he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
