you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
