Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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