She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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