Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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