At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
